The Funions
Satirical Sports Analysis
Despite being dubbed the Bible Belt’s chosen son, Tim Tebow has amassed an ungodly 7-1 record as a starter with three overtime victories, all without much discernible talent. Tebow has forced Broncos Executive VP John Elway to eat his words and has procured Elway’s hesitant, public conversion. Regardless of Elway’s Doubting Thomas routine and Coach John Fox’s consistent refusals to discuss plans for 2012, the Tebow faithful in Denver have spoken. If the Broncos fend off the Oakland Raiders and make the playoffs, Tim Tebow will be the starting quarterback in 2012.
While Fox is busy piecing together his 2012 playbook with pages picked from Urban Meyer’s Florida squad, he will also need to develop a contingency plan to address the problem that all the major sport networks have debated—what happens if Tim Tebow is raptured mid-game?
“At this point, we’re focused on moving forward game-to-game,” Fox said after the Broncos overtime victory against the Vikings, “Tim could go at any time. All we can do for now is to tell Brady [Quinn] to be ready to jump in under Center.”
Second-string QB Brady Quinn has indeed been preparing, throwing warm-up passes the entire length of each game. The Broncos training staff has repeatedly expressed concern over the amount of throwing Quinn does on the sideline, but the coaches insist that he needs to be ready at a moment’s notice. Clearly, the Broncos will need more than Quinn’s dead arm to create a workable rapture contingency plan for 2012.
So what are the options?
Option 1: Acquire Eagles backup QB Vince Young.
After the Texas Longhorns defeated the Michigan Wolverines in the 2005 Rose Bowl, Vince Young proclaimed that God had chosen him to be the quarterback of the Longhorns, and as he commonly does, he renounced his critics. Given Rose Bowl MVP honors in 2005, Young again held the Rose Bowl MVP award as the Longhorns won the National Championship the next year.
Young’s ability to spurn critics with his play and his ability to take over games in the fourth quarter seems to mirror Tebow’s game plan. Young is an unattractive option for 2012, however, because of his—for lack of a better term—depressing 2011 performance backing up “Dream Team” quarterback Michael Vick. Young’s nine interceptions in his last three games, including four against the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago, make him an ineffective passer. And, obviously, effective passing is not an element of Tebow’s game either, but it shows that Young rarely has his head in the game. Repeated efforts to increase Young’s football intelligence, including constantly wearing a skull cap and the Eagles hiring of an official “playbook trainer,” have failed to stimulate Young’s mental awareness. The good graces that were watching over Young in ’05 and ’06 have clearly vanished.
Option 2: Sign televangelist Joel Olsteen.
Olsteen, pastor of the stadium-sized Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas, has plenty of experience performing in front of big crowds on Sundays. Each week, Olsteen preaches to over 43,000 congregational attendees and countless television viewers. He delivers a consistent message of self-worth and self-improvement. Plus, he just has that well-spoken “nice guy” quality. Though Olsteen has never played quarterback before, scouts have already projected his arm and accuracy to be above that of Brady Quinn. Scouts have rated his taste in women, however, on par with Quinn, pigeonholing both as suckers for the should-be-hot-but-are-not blondes.
Olsteen’s major failing as a backup option is not his projected on-field performance, but instead is his off-the-field message. Critics describe Olsteen’s style of Christian preaching as self-help Christianity, noting that most of his books send a generic message and rarely if ever use the term “God” or other normative Christian phrases. In contrast, Tebow employs a firm fire-and-brimstone message that ensures his listeners, usually groups of underprivileged young children, know that failure to follow the path results in a Hell-bound afterlife. Where Olsteen is motivated by making himself a better person, Tebow has the proper football motivation, the fire under his heels that is often mistakenly credited to John Elway’s sideline glaring.
Option 3: Acquire deceased QB Steve McNair.
Since his death in 2009, former Ravens QB Steve McNair has received little attention from NFL scouts. Sources close to the Broncos, however, have reported that General Manager Brian Xanders has been in talks with Heaven over the past few weeks, inquiring as to the availability of McNair for next season. Though McNair’s corpse would likely have sustained some wear, Xanders said, “McNair was 36 when he died, and we feel his resurrected cadaver would still be at least a short-term option. With only two gunshot wounds to the torso and one to the head, McNair would still have plenty of control over his throwing arm.”
In a recent interview with ESPN’s Hannah Storm, Xanders hinted that, in the event of rapture occurring, there may be a possible exchange of Steve McNair for Tim Tebow. Despite repeated attempts from Storm, however, Xanders refused to confirm that she was in any way attractive.
With McNair as the team’s best backup option, Fox can begin to craft an NFL playbook devoid of phrases like “jump pass over the linemen” and “bailout diving catch.” In response to the news that McNair may be available for 2012, Broncos wide receiver Eddie Royal dropped to his knees and began loudly giving thanks.
Notes:
The Broncos have hired former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron as a rapture consultant.
Von Miller was named one of Hipster Magazine’s 25 “Coolest” Athletes after donning black-
rimmed glasses on the sidelines last week. He is listed as probable for Sunday’s matchup against
the Patriots.
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